Plotting Along…

Hi y’all. As you know, I’ve attempted to be mostly off of social media for a bit. I’m still at that point but I may post to the blog a little more often than I have. I’ve had a few friends ask me about my blog and tell me they were missing it so I’ll schedule in time to post at least once every other week if not once a week. I must admit, I have missed speaking to you guys on a regular basis. I miss our engagement, our connection. Alas, the life of a writer is much a solitary one, and I admit to appreciating that also. Working from home is right up my alley, as I no longer have to deal with fake gossipy drama-mamas in the corporate setting. Thank You, Lord! Plus, it doesn’t hurt to love your job, working from home and the people you do work for.

Lately, I’ve been going through so many mood changes, and I’m presently experiencing a shift – hard to explain but I’ll try. The mood changes are mostly just a roller coaster of emotion, due to my daughter being a senior in high school, her being accepted to her college of choice, choosing her dorm roommate, planning her grad party and trip, her just turning 18. It’s exciting. It’s an adventure. It’s emotionally draining and bittersweet. As most of you know, Hallie and I have always been extremely close. Our nicknames for each other are Lorelai and Rory (you’ll understand if you’ve ever watched Gilmore Girls). And it sickens me to think of her moving to college next year and not living in this house – only to visit on weekends, holidays and summer break. I don’t even want to imagine what it’ll be like because I want to cry, and then, honestly, to throw up. I know I have to let go. I’m just not ready. It hurts my heart too much. I’m used to her going on trips for a week or two. I miss her, of course, but I take comfort in knowing she’ll be home, as I count down the days. Don’t misunderstand. I do have things on my ‘To Do’ list that I take pride in accomplishing while she’s gone and I do appreciate my alone time. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss my little love monkey. Maybe I can’t use the word “little” anymore, but she will always be my little one, my wee one, my baby, even after she’s 40. Thankfully, she doesn’t mind my nicknames for her. She has nicknames for me, too.  😉

The shift I’m undergoing is multi-faceted. I’ve been on a journey of exploration – not just for the self but being more mindful of others and taking in all of the possibilities for connection with others – looking out for like-minded people to associate myself with but also “trying” to be mindful of others in the sense that no matter their mood, I have to take into account they may be going through something I know nothing about. Such as the clerk at the grocery store or the clothing store we normally frequent. Many times, we think these people are there to serve us and be kind and high spirited while they do it. However, we must put ourselves in their shoes, if only for a moment. If we do this, we may consider that perhaps their grandpa that they were raised by just died, or they lost their best friend in a car accident, or it’s that horrid time of the month and they are in great pain. 

You never know what someone is going through. These people are not there to only serve us. We are here to serve them, as well. We can offer a smile, a kind word, something funny to say to maybe lift their spirits. If nothing else, we can offer our gentle understanding. They are just like us. They have to work to pay the bills. They have to work when they are sick because they have a child to feed and have to make the rent. I admit to sometimes being a harsh judge of people when they are hateful or rude and I have been rude as a retaliation. What sense does that make?! That’s easy. Why is it so easy to fight back with hardness and more difficult to reply with love and compassion? This is something I’ve been mindful of lately and I feel it’s changing me. Mind you, I do still have much work to do in this department, as I am still trying to rid myself of anger I strongly hold on to. I have no idea why I hang onto it.

Not only with others but within myself. I’ve always been my toughest critic, being more hard on myself and sabotaging myself rather than romancing myself, appreciating myself and my accomplishments. I tend to beat myself down over everything – every little thing. But lately, I’ve been watchful of my words, noticing how negative I tend to be on myself, trying to change the language I use. If it’s negative, I’m trying not to say it or change the wording I’d normally use. I’m trying to believe in myself, have faith in me and my abilities. I’m writing down all I’ve ever been good at, then and now, and everything I’ve accomplished. Turns out, I truly have been more of a success than a failure. Many of the things I’ve wanted to do and truly made an effort with have come to pass and I’m practicing daily gratitude for each of these things and in everything I have in my life that makes me thankful and happy.

Normally, I have resting-bitch-face – not because I’m feeling bitchy or depressed or irritable, but because I don’t think about how my face is resting. LOL! Often, I’m contemplating something and that’s how my face is – in contemplation mode, or I’m extremely tired because I walked the dog like 10 times during the night, got up at 4am to go to the gym, worked all day, worked on my book after that, had to go to a meeting or event after that and I’m feeling very DONE with the day.

Lately, I’m practicing mindfulness on the muscles in my face. I actually think I may have inherited my grandmother’s facial expressions. She even frowned in her sleep! I don’t want her facial expressions. So I’m focusing on a slight constant smile, just barely there, enough to lighten my forehead muscles. I’m focusing on every blessing I’ve been granted each day and I’m being actively thankful – meaning thanking the Lord daily, telling these special people how much I love them and how amazing they are, hugging and smooching and laughing at my silly dog, appreciating our home and land more, loving working from home and the jobs I do and the income to pay our bills and save for important things, appreciating going to a great gym and getting healthier, and just every special thing and person, even what may sound small to some – sometimes it’s the smallest blessings that make the biggest impact/difference, and I’m thankful for each one.

Another thing I’m trying to learn is to Let Go and Let God. Being a control freak, this is a hard one, but I’m learning little by little. I am letting go of things and people that no longer serve my life in a positive way. I actually just joined a group that I thought would strengthen my character and spirituality as well as offer friendship and connection but learned that group was not the answer so, after 2 meetings, I let that go. I no longer have space or time in my life for what does not assist me or help me grow in some way on my journey. Joining and leaving that group only helped to further teach me that lesson.

Another mood swing is the novel I’ve been working on since 2013. I cannot count the varied emotions I’ve been going through. I birthed this story with great enthusiasm and excitement, only to set it on a shelf because I had too many clients at different times, too many things going on and I did not have any further time to devote to it. I did have to pay the bills and that was more important. As time went on, I got better clients, bigger contracts, but didn’t want to face the book, because I let fear distract me – fear and lack of faith in myself.

So now, I’m happy to say that I am 95% finished with the book. I thought I was actually finished but am reworking chapter 6. I’m thinking I may even interweave it with chapter 5 or 7 or just leave it the smallest chapter in the book. I kept giving myself a deadline, which in many ways is helpful, while at the time was putting an obstacle in my path. The deadline was more stifling my writability and creativity than bolstering my motivation and ambition to get in touch with my muse. My muse heard DEADLINE and ran for cover! So I will work on my book daily, finish when I finish, revise, revise, revise, then query agents and publish. And then become a #1 New York Times bestselling author.

I am learning to have faith in myself. I am learning to trust myself, love myself, believe in my pursuits – my dreams – my goals. I’m learning to lift myself up to new heights and tell myself only good things and reaching, stretching for a higher plane of existence. There is nothing wrong in bettering myself. I have everything I have ever prayed for, except the one. And the one? It’s only a matter of divine timing, inspired action, and persistence.

What have you been up to lately? Share all your joys, your pursuits, your progress, your fears, your expectations, your news. I have missed you greatly and I only wish for you good things, always.

Love you!

Carol

(P.S. Oh, and that picture? I’m just dreaming of cool Fall weather, wishing for long-sock-wearing, gushy-sweater-wearing weather. Please, chilly Fall breezes – come to Mississippi?). And sorry for the very wordy post…

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Trust is Never a Must

Twas promises ashen left woman to scorn

Ripened with passion then love would be torn — Go!

Undone the marriage by lies, fury, and so

Sayist none — carriage departs thee at first dawn

Taunt and disparage me no more — I am gone!

 

Tis a bit brutal, yes?  Still, trust is something that can be your undoing, at least for me, so tis better to not.  I believe you can love deeply while still holding that barrier up to protect yourself and not trust, or not completely, anyway.  What do you think?  Do you easily trust?  Do you feel you have to have trust when you love someone?

Today’s prompt with The Daily Post’s Writing 201:  Poetry is Trust.  The form is Acrostic or Double Acrostic (which I tried my hand at) and the device is Internal Rhyme.  Won’t you join us in the fun daily challenge?  It’s only for 2 weeks!

 

 

 

 

Sit Still and Trust

dark and wait

 

__________

Love this!  I know how desperately hard it is sometimes to do this — to sit still, much less trust?!  Sometimes I feel I need to DO something, take action.  SOMETHING!  But when all my time is spent and there’s no free time to take anymore action, I really have no choice but to be still and trust.  If you’re like me, trust is hard to come by.  It’s probably my strongest weakness — being able to trust.  But when I’ve done all I can do in this one direction, the only thing left to do is trust that The Dude’s got it all under control, one way or another.

Breathe, Trust and Let Go

inspire

I’m trying this.  I’ll keep you posted on how it turns out.  New and better contracts are popping up, so perhaps soon, I’ll have more free time (after I let the lesser contracts go) to work on my video project!  Yea!

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!  *smooch*

Expecting Miracles Manifesto

I don’t usually post twice on the same prompt but I had this stuck in my head this morning…

If you don’t know what prompt I’m talking about, check out The Daily Post’s Weekly Writing Challenge prompt, Manifesto.

Okay, so many of you that know me know that, at times, I have a love/hate relationship with God.  Okay, hate might be too strong a word.  Let me try anger.  Yes, a love/anger relationship.

However…

Today is going to be different.  Queue Manifesto:

Expecting Miracles Manifesto

halo

 

 

 

Today, I will not anger.

shirley

I will not cuss.  No matter if that dude cuts me off in traffic.  I will not allow road rage to invade my brain nor trash my mouth.  I will not curse.  I will not utilize rude hand gestures.  The most I will do is flap my tongue at him in frustration as if Ms. “Ouiser” in Steel Magnolias.  Remember when the bird pooped on her head?  Because let’s face it, most of us cannot just grin and wave happily at someone who just wronged us.  But I will not cuss.

melt I will practice faith.  This means I refuse to let worry take me over.  I will not doubt God.  I will KNOW he is listening and he is gonna take care of everything today.  Even though my car a/c isn’t working and my car is making a funny sound, I will be glad in the fact that my car runs and gets us to where we need to go and home again.

crutch I know my daughter will have an awesome day.  I know it will be more amazing than yesterday, wherein she will not feel the need to take somebody out with a crutch to the head, because she is armed and dangerous.  She’s packing.  Two crutches, so she has a backup.  I know they will not mess with her in a rude and hateful fashion and instead, be helpful and kind as students who attend a Christian school are supposed to act.  I believe.  She will have a wonderful day.

smile I will grin and bear it no matter what.  They say ‘fake it till ya make it.’  Not sure who they are but I’ll try it.  They say the more you smile and are happy, even if it’s not real, it will eventually become real and then all of a sudden, POOF! you realize you really are happy.  I’ll try that.  I will be silly and goofy also.  This always helps.  Yes, not only will I help those around me laugh.  I will laugh at myself.  Because I can.

moon I will find beauty in the day.  Like how sometimes the moon hangs overhead during the day in the clear blue sky.  I think it looks other worldly.  So cool.  No matter how hot it gets or what things may go wrong… I will look for the good, only the good and the beauty.

 

 

I will think positive and be positive and remain mindful of being positive.  I will not let fear to enter my mind.  I will not doubt.  (Please see faith above).  I will expect miracles.  Good things will happen.  Yes they will.  Yes they will.  Yes they will.  Say yes.  Yayess!!

I will step outside my comfort zone.  That would be a miracle right there.  I did step a little out of the zone.  I finally posted a pic of me on my about page yesterday.  I like being behind the camera, not ever in front of it.  I do not like photos of myself.  So, see?  I can step outside my comfort zone.  It’s working already.

Wow, it really is working.  It’s still morning and my daughter just texted me with, “you were right.”  They are being nice today?!  Nice!  Keeping those crutches vertical.  My mom texted me with happiness from work, so it’s a good day for her, too.

I will believe in myself.  Not only faith in God and other people but in myself.  I will stop the resistance.  I will stop the self-sabotage and I will have faith in me, in my writing, in my goals and dreams.  I am smart.  I am creative.  I am capable of greatness.  I am.

Today, I will let go and let God.  I will let him deal with all our issues today.  I will do what I need to do and get it done.  I will work on my contracts, get the work done and do it well.  I will put in time to write and work on my book.  It’s going to be an amazing day.  I’m expecting miracles.

Good things are happening today.