Illusion of Aliveness

tim“The thing about a story is that you dream it as you tell it, hoping that others might then dream along with you, and in this way memory and imagination and language combine to make spirits in the head.  There is the illusion of aliveness.”
Tim O’Brien, The Things They Carried

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That is beautiful.

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So how’s your 2015 going along so far?  No changes here really except perhaps feeling a bit more hopeful.  Still working like a crazy person but feeling a bit differently about it.  I’m feeling more blessed.  Not everyone gets the chance to make their dreams come true.  My first dream came true – having a daughter, the most wonderful daughter in the world.  Yes, that happened and she’s AMAZING!!!!

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I could not have received a better gift.  That was my main dream.  Everything else is secondary.  She and my mom – they are my number ones.  Yes, you can have more than one number ones.  Family is number one.  When you can call them your best friends, that’s another number one.

I started working from home so I could be closer to my child and actually raise her and be here for her when she needs me.  Another dream come true.  Been doing this for a while now.  Sometimes, it’s been great with awesome contracts where I didn’t have to work a ton of hours, got great payments and had weekends off.  Other times, it’s been a real struggle, trying to survive on 4 hours sleep a night,

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but I’ve done it and continue to do it.  I’ve questioned myself at times, asking God if I’m supposed to be doing this or do I need to go out there and get another office job.

Ah, regular set hours not more than 8 or 9 per day, pay per hour/week/year rather than per job, perks, paid holidays, paid sick days, paid vacation, weekends off and it sounds lovely.  Then I remember all the cons of morning and evening rush hour traffic, that lovely commute,

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all the extra money I had to put in my gas tank, working with attorneys, working with harsh personalities (didn’t I just say that?),

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having only 2 hours per evening with my kid which is pretty much set with cooking supper, cleaning the kitchen, helping with school projects or what have you, pat the pets on the head quickly, kiss kid good night, then do it all again the next day, like a robot, oh and try to slurp down a HUGE glass of wine during/after supper to try and help me brush off any negative office poo from the day.

And then I remember all the good things of what I get working from home.  Rather than focusing on all the hours I work and working 7 days a week (this may change shortly to weekends off again):  I get to take my daughter to school, pick her up, walk the dogs when they need to go out, take my mom to any appointments, working in my pjs if I want or sweats, working in a tank and shorts and no shoes during the summer, no makeup if I don’t want it, being here all those hours after school so if she needs to talk, I’m here.  Sure, it can be a struggle with money sometimes and lack of sleep but then I remember, at least I do have work.  At least I do have income.  I can also be here for my family and I don’t mind a little struggle now and again if it means I’m doing it for them and can actually be here for them.  They are my heart.  My mashed potatoes I call ’em.  Everything else in life that’s good is the gravy.

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And when I do get more regular hourly contracts again, I’ll have weekends back, 8 hours sleep per night, and I can dust off some of my creative ambitions and finish my books and start my video series!!  I’m feeling hopeful.  And glad.  And thankful and happy!

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How ’bout you?  Are you feeling hopeful?  I hope so.

I also wanted to take this time to thank you for hangin’ with me.  I appreciate your friendship soooo much and love talkin’ with y’all and getting to know each of you through your blogs and through your comments.  So thanks and I share with you my warm squishy hugs and smooches and wish for you a 2015 that’s filled with more laughter than last year (just don’t chortle with coke in your mouth, ’cause when than crap comes out your nose, it hurts!!), more joy, more happiness, more happy dances (click the link), more love and more hope.

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