Hey you! How ya been? I’m not even gonna apologize for having been gone for so long. Ain’t I terrible? Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I will try to explain my absence a bit, though.
Just after I started the 365 letters a while back – (ya know, thanking all these people/entities that have come into my life and taught me about life and about myself and the fact that monsters do exist in the world) – I realize I was only at the beginning and only wrote a couple, but some things started changing in my mind. I sank into this thing. Not sure I’d call it a depression, or sadness, or – not even sure it has a name for what it was I was feeling, but I can best describe it as an inner sitting. I was stuck in my head, overthinking everything, looking for purpose, for meaning, for happiness, for joy. I listed all these people and things and places that I love so deeply and I was already feeling grateful for those people and things but I still could not lift myself up to be happy. Oh, I pretended to be happy around those I love so not to worry them or bring them down. And it’s not even really that I was unhappy. I just felt a nothingness. Sort of like being stuck in the mud puddle of your life and you don’t even have the energy to pull your friggin’ boot out. And if you wanted to, you couldn’t, because it would be too difficult a decision, so you just stand there… in the mud.
I was paralyzed almost, with no motivation to do much of anything, overthinking constantly, even at bedtime, uninspired, feeling trapped, unable to move forward or backward or sideways or make a decision of any kind. I just felt blah! I kept thinking what is wrong with me?! I have soooo many blessings in my life! I need to be productive and joyful and happy and thankful and glad every minute!!! But I was so tired. Well, after a few months of THIS going on, today I have reached a realization about myself and about life.
Maybe I’m just crazy
See, I have what I figure to be ADD (even though I cast out labels). All my life, I have struggled with keeping my attention focused on any one thing for any period of time. Ask any of my teachers growing up. My focus has always been erratic. I share this with you because it’s important you know how hard it is for me to still my mind. I’ve tried meditation and I cannot do it. I just CANNOT still my mind long enough to meditate – at least not during the past 3 months! So I am supposing God or the universe or whomever you want to call it – I call him God, or G, or Big G, or Big Daddy or The Dude Upstairs – decided he needed for me to be still. I had no choice in the matter. No matter what I tried to do, I was consumed to this inner state, this inner being, this inner chatter – oh, but it was anything but still inside my mind. I thought I was losing it! So many things going a million miles per hour in every direction, I don’t even know what I was really even thinking about. There was a lot going on in there – too busy to keep up – I couldn’t slow the thoughts down. Still doesn’t make sense to me.
And my realization? Well, I’m just now coming into that. There have been changes going on inside me. I asked God for some things and I was quite careful in the wording. He does have a warped sense of humor sometimes, you know? Be careful what you ask for and all that. Seriously, be careful. You ask for patience, and you’ll wait 31 years before you have that child of your dreams. Well worth the wait, by the way. Ask for strength, and someone close to you dies. Then you blame yourself.
An Inner Weirdness
If you are feeling things and you don’t know why, maybe it’s depression or a sadness of sorts, you can’t really even give it a name, a weirdness maybe. I just call it inner chatter. That’s pretty much what it was. I was stuck in my head, I couldn’t escape, I couldn’t focus on anything else. And I tried everything trying to get myself out of this funk to no avail. I fought and I lost. And I felt lost. But today, I’m feeling like I’m slowly coming back.
If you are feeling something, you don’t have to have a name for it, you aren’t crazy, maybe you aren’t anything that you think. Maybe God is using this time to prepare you for something. Maybe God is forcing you to take the time to be with your thoughts, whatever they may be, even if you cannot rationalize anything. Sometimes, you just need to sit with it and feel whatever it is. Go through the experience. Perhaps it is helping you to grow in some way. Everything cannot be explained. Our own brain can’t even be explained. I mean, heck, we only utilize about 10 to 11 percent of our brain. And well, some of us, I’m sure don’t even use 10%. Sorry, I’m not going to start talking about politics so no worries.
Anywho, without any further deets, this is the gist of it. Perhaps more later as I come to understand the inner workings of my mind as things are starting to change and grow. Whatever it is, God is using it for my betterment and who knows, maybe I’ll have something helpful to share with others. In due time.
Hope y’all are having a lovely Memorial Day weekend, for those of you who honor those who have sacrificed and still sacrifice for our USA.
Be blessed and I’m sending you warm squishy hugs wherever in the world you are. And kisses. xoxo