Trying to Learn to Be Still, like I have a Choice

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I realize I’ve been MIA for a while.  Sorry ’bout that.  A lot going on.  Working more than 40 hours a week, plus the video project (though that’s on hold, currently), Thanksgiving holidays, chasing after a very busy teenager, etc.

So I’m in a state of busyness and stillness, which is a bit of contradiction so let me explain.   Busy with work – super busy, but I love it.  Over 46 hours each week but I love my clients and what I do so it doesn’t feel like work.  The YouTube video thing started off pretty strong.  I got 5 ladies who were willing to interview, which is awesome, but then it’s calmed down quite a bit, so I’m unsure what’s next with this.  I thought of taking to the streets but I’m wondering if I’d be putting myself in danger with this.  You know… People.  Be.  Crazy.

So, a contact/friend of mine that works for the local paper who prints my monthly column is posting info about my project in order to get people to contact me instead of me going out trying to find people.  I’m hoping this works well.  I tried contacting different schools (public and private) but either they have stipulations that do not allow media or either they never wanted to return my emails nor phone calls.  Nice, huh?  I’d prefer a NO to nothing at all.  The principal of the local intermediate school was most gracious in the explanation as to why they couldn’t let me film the children.  I totally get it.

But I still need to interview some men and children, all people, from all walks of life.  I’m hoping and praying I get some positive feedback from the print out in the paper that should be coming out by tomorrow.  I’ll check out some local charitable organizations that help the homeless and see where I can get with that since I’m guessing they aren’t getting my emails – I’m thinking most email goes to spam, even though my name is part of the email.  Oh well.  We’ll see.  Or they could be like me and never check their email.  I check one, in particular, but the others?  Well, I’m way behind on those.  I only have so much time to do everything, ya know?  Yeah, I know ya feel me.  I know you’re busy, too.  Tis the season.  Every day.

As for my book, I had to stop working on that to pursue this video project thingy, so that’s at a standstill also.  Don’t you just wish sometimes God would lean his head down and tell you what it is you need to do now?  Like, “Wait on this.  Do this.”  Or, “forget about that, do this.”  Or, “you need to find time to do all of it.  Figure out a schedule where you can fit 46+ work hours in, 12 hours of interviewing and editing and posting video, and put in time for family and finishing your book.”  So, God, can you please add more hours to each week?  Some things I will not skimp on and that’s family time.  And my work.  And anything else that I care about, but I don’t have time for everything I care about so I have to sacrifice a little, right?  I don’t want to kill myself over stretching myself so thin that I don’t sleep.

Argh!  So much to figure out.  But all I can do at this point is wait on the creative projects until I guess a week after the piece comes out in the paper.  If I haven’t gotten calls in a week, nobody is gonna call.  I’m thinking I may get too many calls and then every week (one day per week) will be booked for months, which would be truly awesome!  At the same time, my writing will suffer, because no extra time to work on that book.  Bummer.  Sometimes, I truly do not know what the most important thing is.  I’m guessing the video thing is because it’s helping people, even though it hasn’t had as much exposure as I would have liked but perhaps once I get the videos and channel more out there and work on my editing skills, improving those as I go along, I think people’s stories will help others.  Telling your story helps you and hearing other’s stories helps you, so it’s a win-win, right?  How can sharing stories be wrong?  I felt I was answering the vision God put in my head.  But if all I get is a standstill, what does that tell me except to be still.  It’s like being in the military all over again.  Hurry up and wait.  Do it but wait.  Not dissing the military but they can be pretty slow when completing certain tasks, just like the government and pretty much anything else in life, right?  Hurry up and wait.  Lovely.  I did NOT pray for patience even though I know I need it.  I suppose I didn’t have much extra time this past week to interview and this week is stacked pretty high except for Friday, so we’ll see what happens.

Prayers and positive vibes are all welcome treasures, if you don’t mind.  I could use some of each.  For now, I’ll just work and press on and pray and hope I get some nice calls from some cool people and I’ll keep you posted.  I’ll try to do better about posting to the blog, too.  I may not do the hump day haiku unless I get feedback from some peeps who are truly interested in reading and participating with those.  Maybe I’ll get back to Thankfulness Thursday.  It’s pretty important to remain thankful every day.  Helps to just get through life, ya know?  I thought about adding something on Monday and Friday but I’ll get back to you on that.

So how was your Thanksgiving?  Or Friendsgiving?  Or do you not celebrate either?  I realize it’s not for everyone and not every county celebrates Thanksgiving.  I cooked a good bit and ate a great bit!  Still have leftovers.  I got my bootie on that treadmill a little while ago and walked and ran and I plan to do that again 2 or 3 times today.  Tell me about your long weekend and how you celebrated or if you did.  I miss chatting with you guys and I hope you are well!!  Ready for Christmas?  Haha!

Love you!

Carol  xoxo

 

Photo courtesy of collective-evolution.com

God Whispering or is it My Own Crazy Mind?

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Happy day, y’all!  And Happy Veterans Day!!  Thanks to all those who have served our country and thanks to all the family members and friends who have supported our vets!  Y’all rock!

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So, I realize I’ve not been writing much lately.  Seems I’ve only been trying to get the word out about my video project.  I’m coming to a rough patch.  Not sure if it’s a fork in the road, a roadblock or just a few limbs I need to get out of my way.  I’m hoping I can explain the sitch and perhaps some of you fine people can be objective and tell me what you see.

So, I work for this magazine.  I absolutely LOVE the magazine and the work I do.  Love the people I work with (remotely).  I say remotely, because the mag is in another state.  I’m freelance.  All my work and clients are in other states.  But I love my clients and all the work I do, so when my favorite client offered me more hours, how could I say no?!  For one thing, I need the money.  My car is falling apart.  I mean, why shouldn’t it be?  It’s 13 years old.  And it’s a Ford.  I will never buy another one.  Plus, the extra hours will help me with Christmas, etc.

The one downfall to the more hours thing is that it makes things a bit more difficult with my YouTube video project.  Each week, I’ll be working 46 hours per week for other clients (I cut one client loose, so I wouldn’t have 56 per week again).  Keeping the video project up and running will take 12-16 hours per week, so we’re talking 58-62 hours of work each week, but I don’t get paid for the video project.  But I love the video project and I feel I just have to do it.

Well, I don’t know if this is God trying to tell me to pause the video project or if he’s testing me to see how badly I want it.  I mean, what else could he be saying?  (1) ‘I’m going to give you all this new work so it’s nearly impossible for you to have time for your video project,’ or (2) ‘I won’t give you more than you can handle.  If you want to do this video thingy badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it all done, while also getting in your 46 hours of work each week.  You’ll be falling down tired but you got this.  You’re tough.  Show me ya want it.’

So what am I being told here?  I’m sure you don’t know anymore than I do but perhaps you can offer insight since my mind is shot right now.  I’m pretty dense sometimes.  I can be reaaaaaally slow so I may not be seeing the bigger picture.

And besides the fact that I have all these other hours, how long does it take to get the word out about a new video series?  How do you get the word out?  I know squat about what I’m doing.  I’m totally learning as I go.  So it’s amazing to me that I have any subscribers to my channel at all.  But besides social media, how do I let the world know about my YouTube video series?  Anybody that knows anything about this, please pass me some words of knowledge, because I’m lost here.  I’ve done so much reading up on this and learning new stuff, my eyes are crossed.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if The Big Dude could just lean down his sweet but big strong respected head down and say, “Here, this.  It’s this, right here.  This is what I want for you.  This is what you need to do right now.”  Or else, “No, stop.  Set it aside for now. Come back to it later.”  Or even, “No, no more.  You did what you needed to do.  I just wanted to see if you’d do what I told you to.  You did and now, stop.”

I’m so utterly confused.

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What is my heart and mind telling me to do?  And is it God whispering or is it my own crazy mind?

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My heart and mind say, “Okay, you asked for the video equipment.  God sent it to you through friends.  You asked for the right questions to ask.  God sent them.  You asked for courage and confidence.  God gave you the courage and the wee might of confidence to start this thing and request permission from establishments the allowance and space for you to conduct interviews.  Then he gave you the same to go up and ask these strangers if they’d talk to you.  That took guts.  Then, you interviewed, you made connections, you made friends, you related to people on a deeper level.  Then, you learned and are learning how to edit video.  That’s not a small task.  You finished 4.2 interviews (one got cut short due to an emergency bldg shutdown) and you put up pieces of these interviews on YouTube.  You started social media for your cause.  You’re trying to get the word out.  This is just the beginning.  These people’s stories need to be told, need to be shared. There are so many out there who need to hear these stories. So many have stories to share. Don’t stop now. This is only the beginning and when you start something new, if it is meaningful, it’s going to be harder to do it. That’s when the devil gets in your way. It’s God allowing the devil to test you. He can’t do anything without God’s permission. So withstand the tiredness, the stress, the doubt, the asking for signs and just do that friggin’ thing!  Be awesome at it, because you can be.  You are willing to learn new stuff and do new stuff and that’s the beginning of brilliance!  Don’t you know?  It all starts with an idea, a thought.  You put action toward that thought/idea, you start to make something. You learn as you go and you keep trying, you have passion, you have drive, motivation, and more than that, you have a new dream you can’t not see it in existence.  It’s just something you have to do and you don’t let anything get in the way of that. Remember what’s important: God, Jesus, your family, your dreams, and they can all go together as a combo. So, yes, Carol, it will be hard, there may be road blocks from time to time just to test you but you are tough stuff and you’ve done harder stuff than this. Get past the road block, work through it, go over it, crawl under it, move around it or bust through it with effing dynamite, but get past it and don’t stop until you reach your goals.”

So, that was a nice little chat I had with myself. I guess I should start calling this blog ‘my diary?’  Geez!  So, I guess I’ve worked through some of my issues and hope I’ve maybe helped someone else with theirs.  Who knows.  If y’all have any input on the other, like how to get the word out, I’m all ears!!  HALP?

I’ll try to stick my head in once in a while to say hello.  Sorry I’ve been tangled up in other stuff.  I miss you guys.  xoxo

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Love ya!

Carol

*smooches*

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