Okay, if you are in a good mood and feeling very up and don’t want to listen to a Debbie Downer, then please do not read this post.
I am not going to just be all selfish and have my own little pity party here per se, but I am going to spill a little angst and frustration and wonder how many of you out there are feeling what I’m feeling or are you trying to be strong and be a trooper and hold it in, silencing it.
I had a really good cry just now and am actually feeling two percent better but I have to tell you, sometimes I feel God is up there with his hands on his hips, laughing at me as I fall on my face, mocking me almost. Yes, I know he’s not, but I suppose it’s what I see in myself that makes me see God that way. It’s me, being inside my own dark stinky head. Do you ever feel this way?
I am sure it’s due to a lack of sleep, working too many hours, working 7 days a week. I’m totally punishing myself. I asked for this. I asked to work from home and I love being here for Hallie and being present for her and this is a real gift, but at the same time, not getting sleep, working so many hours daily, 7 days per week is for the birds. Or no, it’s not even for them. They need rest and time to play, too. It’s like God is saying, “So how much do you want this?” I had some great contracts where I only worked 20-30 hours a week with weekends off and all my bills were paid. Those have finished and now lately all I’ve been doing is transcription where the pay is laughable and piddly writing jobs but yes, it’s better than nothing.
I guess it sounds like I’m complaining. I’m actually grateful I have the work. I know some people have nothing, no job, no home, not even family, nor good health, so I have so much. I know I’m blessed. However, being tired and overworked can make a girl crazy and depressed, which is my reason for this airing of my frustration. I guess I needed someone to talk to. I guess I wanted to talk to you, talk it out, see if you can relate and it also gives me an opportunity to express myself with written/typed words. I have missed my writing more than anything I can think of. I’ve halfway even thought of starting a Kickstarter or Indigogo campaign just for looking of ways of funding me finishing one of my books or the video project I told you about on an earlier day. Crazy, right? I’m not quite that desperate yet but I still think about it.
Do you ever feel like you are so tired, all that crazy and depression floods your whole body and you just feel worthless? Unworthy of anything good? There’s no time to do anything you want or need to do, so you wonder what the meaning to your life is. I’m questioning myself today. I wish for things. I wish for love. No, not wishing for the man of my dreams to come charging up on his steed bearing flowers and a blinding twinkling white teeth smile and the bluest of blue eyes. I’m wishing to feel God’s love for me.
Normally, this would be so simple for me. I feel his love when I think of how he sent Jesus for me, how he sent my beautiful mom, how he sent my wonderful daughter. I know he loves me because of these blessings but I guess I need more. Needy, right? My wish is also to feel love for myself. How does one love one’s self? How do you like yourself? I know, when I was in the midst of writing a story, I’d lose myself. It’s like I finally got out of my own head and spilled, ya know? I spilled the lives of my characters. It’s like I lived all these other people’s lives and they were interesting and tragic, funny and magical, quirky and insatiable. And now, I feel trapped in the walls of my own mind and I’m boring with only work for what seems like 24/7. So I’m trapped with just me. My imaginary friends aren’t even talking to me these days because they know I have no time to hear them, no time to listen.
Do you ever feel like this? Worthless? Unworthy of good things? Unworthy of love? Wondering if your life will ever feel somewhat normal again?
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep talking. Maybe it’s this drippy weather for days. Maybe it’s because Hallie’s gone on a trip with her youth group and I’m missing her. Maybe I’m crashing from my sugar high from all this Christmas candy. I’ll be okay.
Perhaps my next post will be a little more uplifting. Lord, please send some sunshine and a better contract? And a reason to love me.