I swore I wouldn’t open my laptop today. I worked yesterday from 2am till 9pm. Yes. I work from home and while working from home sounds like a dream come true, it can wear a person slap out. Oh, by the way, it is a dream come true — the working from home part. It’s not always easy but when you have bills to pay and you need to put food on the table and pay school tuition, you work your fingers to the bone taking on as much work as you need to pay those bills and buy food. I opened the ole laptop because I figured maybe if I just set a timer to write this and then get on with what I intend to do today, it’s all good (I refuse to work today). I wanted to share something with you in the small chance it might help you see things a little differently or maybe more clearly.
I’ve been fighting a war with myself lately. I’ve been so tired from working. I’ve been so angry, so resentful, so tired of struggling. I seem to focus on the negative — all the bad stuff. I believe that we get back whatever we put out, yet I’ve not been acting like I believe it. I believe that God and Jesus are there protecting us, loving us and listening to us, as well as answering our prayers (in His time, not ours) but I’ve not been acting like I believe it. I love to write and be creative, yet I’ve been focusing all my energy into other things — work, mostly.
I spent most of my childhood and teen years quiet. No one cared what I had to say. No one listened and always interrupted or just told me to shut up. I wasn’t important or really wanted. I’m not trying to gain sympathy or blame my parents at all. I believe it was part of God’s plan, so it’s all good. Besides, I had an awesome blessing called Mrs. Jones in 5th grade at Lamar Elementary that listened and heard all I had to say and had faith in my abilities.
I used to feel hate and anger about my childhood but once I learned to love that inner child, and I do love her (sometimes, I just need to remind myself I love her), I became somewhat healed, not of everything but healed enough to forgive and understand. I forgave my parents. People give what they have and many don’t have as much to give as maybe others do. Some are weaker than others. Some don’t know how to let go of their past nor of their anger and resentment. I forgave myself for not having a voice. I forgave myself for my weakness and for harboring so much hate in my soul. Not for just my parents but for other people who took advantage of me and hurt my heart and mind. One thing no one can ever hurt is my soul. That is untouchable. It is mine and it is God’s. It is God’s, because He gave it to me and I have promised it to Him. I may not always act so loving toward him as I get angry with him often but he knows I love him and he’s mine. It’s a tough father/daughter relationship at times. He and I both understand why.
After reaching adulthood, I joined the Air Force (firstly, it was an attempt to escape my life and a situation) and learned I had a voice. I had to find my voice. Then, I learned to use it. Once I found it, Lord help! I let loose. I told everyone what for. I gave everyone a piece of my mind. If there was something to say or I felt someone needed to hear something, I didn’t think about any repercussions. I didn’t think of hurt feelings. I didn’t care if it meant they might hate me or be pissed off. I was gonna tell ’em and I felt I was providing a service. They were better for hearing it. I was better for getting it off my chest. Yeah, I found my voice alright. It was a very loud and obnoxious one. It’s been pretty loud and obnoxious ever since.
I find, as I am 46 (yes, I don’t care how old I am — it’s just a number), I’m finally growing up. Or starting to. I swore I’d never grow up. I wanted to be a kid forever. I suppose, in some ways, I will always be a kid (I don’t fit in with most adults, as it seems most of them have lost their childlike essence, except for one or two). My teenage daughter includes me. She thinks I’m fun and cool for some reason, although I have no idea why. Her friends include me. It’s as if I’m one of the group. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Don’t misunderstand. I do not dress like a teen or let my kid or her friends do inappropriate things. If anything, I’m way overprotective and a strong disciplinarian (just ask Hallie — she tells me alllllll the time), but I also let some things go. Pick your battles (does this really matter?). And I love fiercely. I will kill for my kid and mom. Yes, I will kill.
But I digress.
I’ve realized, especially lately, as I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching (actually, I’ve been soul searching probably forever) and I’ve come to see that I need to find a middle ground. I went from never speaking up (crawling) to overspeaking and loudly so (running) and never found that place in the middle. I need to learn to walk. I need to learn to find my peaceful place, my calm, my inner sanctum. I need to learn to hold my tongue instead of giving someone a tongue lashing and thrashing whenever I feel the need to speak my friggin’ mind. I know it’s cliche but I’d like to treat others the way I want to be treated. I do believe we get back what we dish out.
I have let anger, frustration, struggle, depression and resentment run my life lately. I have been working way overtime just to pay the bills and instead of being thankful I work from home and can be there for my daughter, I’ve been stressing because of all the hours I have to put in just to pay a bill or two. I haven’t been able to focus on the bigger picture. I am allowed the opportunity to work from home. Besides the birth of my daughter, that’s been one of my biggest dreams/goals. And I have it! I’ve been resentful that I haven’t had time to blog every day and more resentful that I haven’t had much time for writing. I had big plans to clean up my book, move some things around, revise and get it ready for the next step, which is finishing it during NaNoWriMo. That’s another huge goal.
I guess I’m just now really seeing this because I had a horrible client. She was actually quite crazy. She was a public figure and she thought herself a sort of god. She was powerful with way too much power — so much power that it overpowered everyone around her. You know that energy people put off that overtakes you and you can’t get away from it? You’re trapped with nowhere to go? There’s nothing you can say to this person because they are so over-sure of themselves and you are simply nothing to them. Working with her gave me heart palpitations. It made me cry, made me stress, made me depressed, anxious, nervous and she talked down to me, so it made me feel worthless. I was physically sick. I’d worked for attorneys for over 20 years and they never treated me so indignant nor stressed me as much as she did and I only worked for her for a few weeks. Ya know what I did? I quit. I ran just as hard and fast as I could. I blocked her on my phone and on my email. Oh, I made sure she had all the information she needed to know the status of everything and she had everything she needed, so I didn’t leave without making sure those loose ends were tied up. Since she felt the need for long, drawn out phone and Skype conferences regarding daily status — she was always up to date on everything anyway.
Feeling that energy from her has made me look at myself. Do I put off that kind of energy? Probably not as bad as all that but I know I have been putting off a lot of negative energy.
Instead of being angry at a person for their meanness, rudeness, their crazy, I will smother them. With love. I will look at them as if I’m looking at myself in the mirror. We are all weak at times in our lives. We all have bad things happen to us. We are all faced with crazy people, bad people, evil people. Maybe something bad happened in their lives — something worse than what happened to us (not to compare but there is always someone else worse off than we are) and they need our kindness rather than a harsh word or angry eyes or negative energy. I don’t have to be their best friend but I can speak and act with love. Sometimes, it’s enough. Sometimes, it’s just what they needed. And it’s always what we need.
I will send out love. I will act with love. I will speak in love. And it will come back to me. And I will meet it in the middle.