Are You Thankful or Are You Angry?

Colors and Light

Wow, I was so stinkin’ angry at God.  I yelled at him.  I cried.  I cursed.  I ignored him, because I felt he was ignoring me.  I told him, “You turned your back on me, so I’m doing the same to you.”  Then, I cried some more.

I prayed.  I asked for help.  I asked for more faith.  I asked for God to take away my fear, my doubt, my stress and worry.  All I could see was my loss, what I didn’t have.  I was more focused on what I needed and I was so desperate in that need that I could not see all that I did have, everything I should have been thanking God for.  But when you are in the midst of depression, despair, anger, bitterness, worry and fear, you can’t see the good stuff.  All you can see is darkness.  You can’t find much, if any light.  I’m so thankful for that sparklette of light I had that was holding me from going any deeper.

I kept praying constantly, after I gave in to ignoring God.  I kept praying for more faith than fear.  I knew I needed more faith than anything.  It took days.  It took weeks.  Sure, I’d go through anger again, crying, depression, doubt, but I kept praying and asking for more faith over fear.  A month went by.  More.  Then, something cool happened.

This peace come over me.  This peace made me feel like everything was going to be ok.  I felt like I handed over my anger and fear and doubt to God, finally.  I told him to take it from me, and to replace it with faith.  I knew more than anything I needed faith and patience.  Patience is a lesson I’ve never quite grabbed onto.  In fact, I downright suck at it.  This day came upon me and I woke up glad.  I started to think, “I have so much to be thankful for.  I am healthy.  My family is healthy.   I have the most awesome daughter in the entire world.  I have the most wonderful mother.  I have a home.  I have a car that runs.  Hallie goes to a great school.”  I kept on thinking of so many things I could be thankful for.

Then, I started to think what my loved ones must be going through.  I’ve been so focused on me and my selfish thoughts, poor me, my poor life …  What about them?

I’m sure Mama misses Daddy more than anyone and anything.  They were soul mates.  They had such a great love for each other.  Her heart must ache more during the holidays.  Daddy’s been watching over us from Heaven for 11 years now.  And Hallie?  I know how scared she must be with her knee surgery coming up after Christmas.  She’s so fearful, anxious and nervous.  I’ve been so selfish!  And my best friend, Jennefer, with her oldest off at college, and so many other friends who have needs and trials and I’ve been over here thinking “poor me.”  A friend told me once, “It ain’t all about you.”  One of the best things I ever heard.

I just wanted to take this time, here at Thanksgiving, to ask you – Are you thankful or are you angry?  There really isn’t enough room in your heart for both.  You just make up your mind to be one or the other, depending on where you choose to place focus.  You can sit around and have a pity party like I did, or you can write down every little thing and person and place that you are thankful for and then — well … you can be thankful.  I can nearly bet that you have more things to be thankful for in your life than things to be angry about.  And thankfulness is such a much better feeling to hold in your heart than anger and depression.

I want to take this time to say thank you, God and thank you, Jesus, for all you have given to us — more good things than we will ever deserve.  Please forgive us for our selfishness, for our anger, bitterness, depression and doubt.  All we have to do is let it go and give it to you, pray constantly, try to have faith, and wait on you, because it’s all in your time, not ours.  Thank you for all your many blessings.  Though we may not always see it, our cups runneth over.  I love you soooo much!

Nano Day 14

I’m here.  I’m still alive.  Deep in the thick dark muck of it, but I’m here.  Words, words and more words.  They are crowding in around me.  For a little while, the voices were mute.  They’d gone away for a while.  Now, it’s as if they are making up for lost time.  I cannot seem to type fast enough.  Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing.  It’s also a crazed thing.  See me trying to sit up at my desk typing my little, actually long, fingers to the bone, tap-tap-tapping away as fast as my brain is throwing this stuff out, or rather attempting, not fully executing the task, but I’m trying hard to keep up.  It’s like the Bionic Woman on crack, while still hung over from taking Benadryl the night before, so you see a crazed Bionic Woman on crack, one eye locked wide open and the other dazed and confused and sleeeeepy and not at all here in this world.

Hallie has escaped to her room hiding away from my funny eyes and drowning out my crazed typing with music playing on her iPod.  Yes, playing the same song over and over and over again.  It’s the only song she’s listening to right now.  It’s the only song either of us are listening to right now.  I try to play other music to drown out Lorde’s voice, but it’s not working.  You know, you do the same thing.  You find that one song and you completely fall head over tea kettle in love with it and cannot stop playing it and singing to it, no matter how tone death or off pitch you are.  You just cannot help yourself.  No worries.  I’m not judgy.  I do the same thing with London Grammar.  These two songs, I play over and over and over.  LOVE.  So, see Bionic Woman on crack, with weird looking shaky eyes and earmuffs to drown out the repetition.  Coffee?!  Yes, at 4:40 p.m.!  What of it?!      o_O

Ok, not really but it sounds good, doesn’t it?  Nothing sounds good right now, so I’m just sippin’ on a little H2O now and again.  Took another Benadryl about an hour ago, so I don’t know what I’ll be like in a short while.

I’m doing well with my word count for Nano.  I had been slothing it for a couple of days, but today, I’ve typed enough to make up for those two days and then some.  23,562 is where I am now.  So far, so good.  At this point, I’ll meet my goal by Nov 30.  Ugh!  If I could just wake up!  Man!  Hate to be out of it like this.

Anywho.  Let’s see.  Oh, badges.  Well, technically, the following do not serve as badges.  They are not badges you earn for your Nano page, but I’m claiming them as badges for my Nano blogging, because I earned them.  I’ll just call them decals.  If you earned them, post them to yours, too.  Not a big deal, but hey, anything that makes you feel like you are accomplishing your goals along the way, is a good thing.

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Check in on the 100,000 K-12 students participating in Young Writers Program, be jealous of their pep talkers, and root them on with the #NaNoWriMoYWP hashtag.  (I did all that.)

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Be sure to explore all the corners of the NaNoVerse. We’re on Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and YouTube. And on our blog, 30 Covers, 30 Days is in full swing.  (I checked them out on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and YouTube.)

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2013 pep talkers should be keeping those words flowing. Look for them in your NaNoMail inbox, plus visit the archive for past letters from authors like Neil Gaiman and John Green.  (I did all that.)

I did not earn the Join our all-day Writing Marathon and Donation Day  badge to power up your novel and support our nonprofit. We’ll be livestreaming from NaNo HQ, plus tweeting updates, challenges, and giveaways. No word count left behind.

map_procrastinationCheck the Procrastination Station on your dashboard for daily links to forums, social media, videos, and participant blog posts. Or, consult our expert NaNo Coaches!  (I checked forums, social media, videos and blog posts.)

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Hey, you know that brilliant thing you’ve been writing? Be sure it’s backed up! Put it in the mysterious cloud, email it to yourself, or save it on a memory device (we like this one).  (Mine is saved on a flash drive.  I never leave home without it!)

Ha!  So, that’s it, folks!  Hallie is playing that song again, the pint sized mutt is barking (hush up, Lilly Marge!!!) and I think the kiddo is ready for spaghetti, so I’m off to play in the real world for a little while.  Not sure if I told y’all, but I’m working on two books.  One is a fictional fantasy world (well, partly.  Part is real world.  Part is fantasy world) and the other book is nonfiction/self-help.

Wow, Hallie has come out and is now playing Etta James’ At Last.

I guess I can take off the earmuffs now.  😉

Lata days!

-Carol

NaNoWriMo Day 4

Usually, I tend to write in silence as I have to pay close attention to the voices in my head in order to write down what they’re saying.  Besides, there’s usually mood music playing throughout the duration of the scenes, low enough to still hear the voices, watch the action, yet still hear the faint whispers of the score playing in the background.  Most of the time, my stories, songs and poetry play in my head like a movie.

It’s only day 4 and I have an unusual amount of depression/stress/anxiety beating out of my heart, coursing through my veins and pounding in my head, which is making it increasingly difficult to hear the voices and the background music as this pounding in my head is drowning out the sounds.  I write anyway.  I just keep rereading the last 2-3 paragraphs and perhaps skip ahead 2-3 paragraphs.  I know something must be inserted here but I cannot settle down enough to concentrate.

Today, during the moments I should be writing, I pause for reflection, to seek out inspiration and allow colorful imagery to envelope my mind and senses while listening to these magical tunes for a moment. Perhaps these melodies will help me to engage better with the voices, settle my mind, be still and listen.  And then, I will attempt to write again.

I’m listening to this tune I heard on the last episode of Reign.  It’s by London Grammar and the song is Wasting My Young Years.  I love it so much, I have to listen again, and then play another song by them that’s lovely – Strong.  I feel both of these songs play in to particular scenes in my story with perfection and brings me great relief, as I know this will help me when I start writing again in a few minutes, while I go work on those scenes with the tunes playing faintly in the background, struggling to be heard as if they are quietly playing inside my head, which also helps me.  For now, I’ll listen to the beauty and allow it to inspire me.  I play Clocks by Coldplay.  Ah, another great one.

These are songs that could sooo be playing in the movie in my head, so perhaps they will play in the movie as I write the story, all the while being sucked in by the characters, the mood, the action, the flow as the music takes me down the stream, carefully avoiding each bump and hopefully not crashing into any more rocks along the way.

I am writing a fantasy/adventure/sci-fi novel (which is my favorite to read and watch as well as write) and I must fight the resistance and seek to destroy all that opposes me, namely the stress of writer’s block.  I get so angry that I allow all that depression to take over how my mind operates!!!

Sometimes, pressing the pause button on the writing to listen and be inspired by beautiful music is just the ticket.  Find music that inspires you, that plays into your story – the movie playing in your own head.  I played one of my all time favorites – an oldie but a goodie, Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, although I clicked on 0:37, because the beginning is a bit annoying.

Next is the original soundtrack to Harry Potter.  Yes, I’m a Harry Potter nerd.  My daughter and I both are.  Can’t help it.  Another good one for a specific scene in my story is by one of my all time favorites – Switchfoot as they play I Dare You To Move.  Then, I can’t help myself but to listen to their This Is Your Life.

I recommend, if you cannot concentrate and you need to add some vibrancy to your imagination, seek out some music that can help you along your way.  Pay attention to the songs played in your favorite shows.  Remember what bands they announce at the end of the show.  Think of your favorite bands, sounds, movies and look up that music online.  Youtube is awesome!  Bookmark the songs on your internet browser so you can access them anytime and let them play in the background while you write or else just take a break and listen to them.  Then, by all means, get back to your writing.  As that is the whole point.

I’m at 6,970 words, so all is not lost.  The goal is 50,000 by Nov 30, so I am hopeful I can meet that finish line proudly.  I have a higher goal set for myself, though, so we’ll see if I meet that one, as well.  Rock on, Writers!  We got this!

😉

Carol

Another Day, Another Nano Second

NaNoWriMo!!!  Updating as to my progress, dear peeps, on my Nano novel for day 1 would be 1,717.  And for day 2 is 1,789.  My goal was actually 2,000 for each day, but I suppose if I want to reach 50,000 by the end of day 30, I’m good with 1,667 per day.  So, it’s all good.  I’m slick.

And as for more fun leeetle badges I’ve earned: – I feel like I’m in Kindergarten and I’ve gotten some gold stars  😉

forums_earned-e3863af9f4596de78c97ff64d21cc334Earned by posting in the forums

Earned by adding a writing buddy                     buddy_earned-da0801a58ce490354527765c1227e27d

Earned by updating my word count                          word_count_earned-41b6c14606d42e35148a66e52f0a017d

Yea!  So far, so good.  I will do my utmost to plant my butt in the chair every morning, apply fingertips to keyboard, allow my mind to take flight and soar with the wind on the wings of imagination and type till I can no longer feel my fingers, and reach for at least 1,667 words per day but try to go for the gold of 2,000.  If I don’t make it, I’ll settle by at least reaching that finish line, no matter what place I come in.  The main objective here is to work on it daily and actually reach 50,000 by November 30.  But ya know, if I can do the hardest part, I can certainly do the rest.  Ya know?  Planting that bootie in the chair?

At least I’m not gazing at a blank white screen.  I have something to work with, even if my eyes are glazed over wondering what comes next.  I have my coffee freshly brewed, I can smell that fantastic rich earthy goodness, and I can always pour in a bit of liquid courage if I feel the need to add a little more color to my imagination.  😉  I haven’t tried that yet.  Hmmm.  That might be a tad interesting.  Usually, it’s just coffee or hot tea, but I’m thinkin’ a little sumpm sumpm might just be the ticket.  Whatcha thank?

So, here’s to us, to you, to me, to all the Nanos out there that are typing their little hearts out – we can do it!  We will do it!  We got this!  Let me know how you’re doing.  Leave a comment, add me as a writing buddy, message me on Nano (carol blake) and we can cheer each other on!  Go Gerry!  Go Lynn!  Go Anya!  Go wordtender!  Go Kritter!  Y’all are ALL that AND a bag o’ chips!  With a side o’ slaw!

😉