Wow, I was so stinkin’ angry at God. I yelled at him. I cried. I cursed. I ignored him, because I felt he was ignoring me. I told him, “You turned your back on me, so I’m doing the same to you.” Then, I cried some more.
I prayed. I asked for help. I asked for more faith. I asked for God to take away my fear, my doubt, my stress and worry. All I could see was my loss, what I didn’t have. I was more focused on what I needed and I was so desperate in that need that I could not see all that I did have, everything I should have been thanking God for. But when you are in the midst of depression, despair, anger, bitterness, worry and fear, you can’t see the good stuff. All you can see is darkness. You can’t find much, if any light. I’m so thankful for that sparklette of light I had that was holding me from going any deeper.
I kept praying constantly, after I gave in to ignoring God. I kept praying for more faith than fear. I knew I needed more faith than anything. It took days. It took weeks. Sure, I’d go through anger again, crying, depression, doubt, but I kept praying and asking for more faith over fear. A month went by. More. Then, something cool happened.
This peace come over me. This peace made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I felt like I handed over my anger and fear and doubt to God, finally. I told him to take it from me, and to replace it with faith. I knew more than anything I needed faith and patience. Patience is a lesson I’ve never quite grabbed onto. In fact, I downright suck at it. This day came upon me and I woke up glad. I started to think, “I have so much to be thankful for. I am healthy. My family is healthy. I have the most awesome daughter in the entire world. I have the most wonderful mother. I have a home. I have a car that runs. Hallie goes to a great school.” I kept on thinking of so many things I could be thankful for.
Then, I started to think what my loved ones must be going through. I’ve been so focused on me and my selfish thoughts, poor me, my poor life … What about them?
I’m sure Mama misses Daddy more than anyone and anything. They were soul mates. They had such a great love for each other. Her heart must ache more during the holidays. Daddy’s been watching over us from Heaven for 11 years now. And Hallie? I know how scared she must be with her knee surgery coming up after Christmas. She’s so fearful, anxious and nervous. I’ve been so selfish! And my best friend, Jennefer, with her oldest off at college, and so many other friends who have needs and trials and I’ve been over here thinking “poor me.” A friend told me once, “It ain’t all about you.” One of the best things I ever heard.
I just wanted to take this time, here at Thanksgiving, to ask you – Are you thankful or are you angry? There really isn’t enough room in your heart for both. You just make up your mind to be one or the other, depending on where you choose to place focus. You can sit around and have a pity party like I did, or you can write down every little thing and person and place that you are thankful for and then — well … you can be thankful. I can nearly bet that you have more things to be thankful for in your life than things to be angry about. And thankfulness is such a much better feeling to hold in your heart than anger and depression.
I want to take this time to say thank you, God and thank you, Jesus, for all you have given to us — more good things than we will ever deserve. Please forgive us for our selfishness, for our anger, bitterness, depression and doubt. All we have to do is let it go and give it to you, pray constantly, try to have faith, and wait on you, because it’s all in your time, not ours. Thank you for all your many blessings. Though we may not always see it, our cups runneth over. I love you soooo much!